heartbreaking songs

no one knows me like you do

and since you're the only one that matters

tell me who do i run to?

how if i never love again?

these scars will stay forever

and these words they have no meaning

if we cannot find the feeling

that we held on to together

try your hardest to remember

i'm alive but i'm losing all my drive

cause everything we've been through

and everything about you

seemed to be a lie

a guiltless twisted lie

almost 2am and i was so sleepy a moment ago,

already closed my eyes and slept for few moments,

but then open my mobile browser and writing this,

accompanied by heartbreaking songs, certainly.

then finally the tears which never rolled down for weeks, pouring again....

i feel so fail for being like this again.

and i hate myself for crying over you again and again.

i don't know what am i doing right now,

bout what actually i'm feeling at this moment.

i already mentioned in my last post that i had finally moved on.

but what kinda move on if still end up by missing and crying over someone who never appreciate my sacrifice?

mungkin emng bener apa yg dibilang orang.

i am not totally move on, 

as long as i am still looking for something about him,

feeling something about what he posted and kinda things bout him.

but don't you remember the reason you loved me before?

baby please remember me once more

when was the last time you thought of me

or have you completely erase me from your memories?

gave you the space so you could breathe

i kept my distance so you would be free

a piece of a song lyric which still be one of my favorite.

lirik yang cuma bisa ngebunuh diri sendiri sebenarnya hahaha.

take me to a year ago.

a year which full of tears every single night.

and i never imagined that this kinda thing will finally come into my life, slowly but sure ruining my life, absorbing my energy, then finally changing me to be what i am today.

a year which finally be passed.

one of the worst year i ever had in my life.

a year i always wish to be end soon.

and ya, finally i had been through it.

maybe, you guys who read this blog already feel so damn enough bout the same repeating stories.

cause me either.

muak sebenernya terus menerus begini, but how? :")

when finally one by one the things been revealed,

the things i ever experienced and it's her turn to savor it.

did you forget the mems all you did with me,

cause baby i didn't.

you said you needed a lil time for my mistakes

it's funny how you used that time to have me replaced

ya, itulah yang kamu lakukan.

you asked me to fix myself to be a better person.

you said you needed time for yourself,

to be a better person either.

and what?

i am replaced.

jujur aku cemburu, aku sakit, sakit sekali.

ngeliat setiap hal yang kamu lakuin bareng dia.

perlakuin dia sama seperti yang kamu pernah perlakukan ke dia.

jemput ke bandara, ngasi surat sebelum pisah bbrp hari, makan bareng, greja bareng, makan ice cream bareng, nonton film, chat dgn topik yang ga abis abis...

semuanya sama.

aku sakit nyaksiin itu semua.

emang aku sengaja ngebunuh diri aku dngn ngepoin itu semua, hanya supaya someday i'm done with you cause you're totally the same as the other guys out there.

kamu tau gimana rasa sakit yang aku rasain?

kamu tau gimana aku disini berjuang utk kamu, utk nahan rasa cemburu dan ttp positif kalo dia cuma tmn kerja kamu (sampe saatnya aku tau kamu bohong), utk nungguin kamu kembali by giving you space so you won't feel bothered by me?

kamu tau betapa berat setahun yang aku jalani sampe akhirnya i arrive to this moment?

pernah kamu mau tau gimana hari hariku?

aku ga perna merasakan kesepian teramat menyakitkan,

till finally it came from you, the day you left.

kamu mau coba rasain?

seminggu aja coba deh kamu rasain?

kamu ga bisa tidur,

you only spent one to two hours sleep,

feel so depressed,

feel so haunted every single second,

and you cried for every single night,

then facing the new day with the same anxiety?

just one week.

and i had been through it for a year.

belum lagi tentang...

ngelewatin setiap tempat yang pernah kita habisin bareng.

mulai dari kampus, tempat tempat kita makan, jalanan yang kita lewatin untuk makan ataupun pulang, bioskop yang kita datengin, bahkan sampe pagar depan rumah aku.

semua tempat itu kasi kenangan ke aku.

aku sampe takut liat pagar rumah sendiri,

keinget kamu yang tiba tiba muncul bawain sesuatu.

ngeliat depan kompleks jg,

keinget kamu yang tiba tiba udah sampe medan aja pdhl sebelumnya di palembang.

bahkan ngeliat cimorypun aku takut karena keinget kamu dulu sering beliin aku.

ngeliat kamar sendiri jg krn keinget tiap malam yg kita habisin dengan telfonan.

i'm traumatic to those things.

while what you did there,

not the same as what you mentioned me as the reason you left me.

aku selalu percaya apapun yang kamu bilang.

kamu disana fokus utk belajar dan ga pengen dibagi perhatiannya,

kamu pengen ngasi apa yang orang tua kamu inginkan selama ini jadi kamu ga bisa bareng aku dulu,

kamu disana cape bertahan di pekerjaan kamu jadi jgn dibebani lagi,

kamu akan kembali lagi dua tahun lagi ketika kamu udh siap segalanya.

awalnya aku ga percaya sm smua alasan kamu itu.

tapi aku ga bisa apa apa karena kamu tetap bulat dengan keputusan kamu.

yang aku bisa lakuin cuma, percaya dan positif ke kamu.

aku yakin kamu jujur dan aku disini cuma bisa dukung kamu dari jauh dan doain kamu semoga kamu disana sehat dan kerjaan kamu lancar, juga dijauhin dari hal yang membawa pengaruh buruk.

aku selalu percaya walau orang orang bilang itu hanya alasan untuk perlahan ninggalin aku.

belum lagi waktu aku nyamperin kamu di jkt dan berakhir dngn kamu marah marah dan minta aku pergi.

padahal pada saat itu, cuma kamu alasan yg bikin aku semangat utk training ke jakarta.

yang kalo dipikir pikir udh ratusan hal yang Tuhan kasi tunjuk kalo kamu bukanlah the right man for me.

stupid banget ga sih?

udah dari setahun lalu seharusnya aku sadar aku itu kamu tinggalin bukan krn kerjaan tapi karena kamu disana dekat dengan banyak perempuan, that's why i am easily being replaced.

kekecewaanku hanya satu....

how you could easily replace me and do things the similar things to her?

how could you easily promise me things which you can't pay off while you know that i'm trusting you a hundred percent?

how could you say those hurtful words easily?

how could you just leave me that easy?

pernahkah aku bermakna buatmu?

pernahkah aku ini kamu anggap penting?

the thing i am wondering is, kalian jg ga bs bareng cause you're in the same corporate.

aku ga ngerti utk apa kamu jalanin itu kalo toh ga bisa dilanjut?

will you do the same things someday to someone new? :)

entahlah...

while i'm still bleeding here, and you there are having good times with her :")

i don't know how to heal this scar.

i don't know how to heal myself from the painful things you scratched in my life.

i don't know how to totally recover.

i don't know....