exhausted

so tonight i'm lying not in my room,

i'm away from my room. 

lagi di tarutung, kerja hahaha.

tarutung? remind me of smth?

yup, my ex.

mantan terlama, 4tahun 1bln😂

but the weirdest thing is, hard to believe that i ever been so long with him.

which, i moved on so easily from him....

sebenernya hari ini ga begitu capek karena ga banyak yg aku kerjain.

kebanyakan di jalan pastinya tapi ga banyak yg aku temuin.

rasanya hari ini aku cuma duduk, tidur sambil dengerin lagu dan ga banyak berinteraksi selama di mobil.

i just want to keep silent, away from crowded.

males rasanya bersuara, membicarakan sesuatu. 

bahkan males utk ketemu sama orang.

it's been almost a week anyway.

ngerasain hal ini but all you have to do is,

smile, laugh, and talk like everything's fine.

dipikir pikir malah mulai dari minggu lalu aku ga banyak visit.

only because i'm not in a good mood.

bukannya aku mau ngikutin mood aku untuk kerja, but i feel mentally exhausted.

literally exhausted......

apparently, mentally exhausted is more tiring than the physically one.

pretending, smiling, and doing another fine things everyday (literally everyday), successfully sucking all my energy.

ketika menyemangati orang adalah tugasku, menyemangati diri sendiri kenapa hampir gapernah berhasil?

ada yg terasa kurang selama hampir dua minggu ini.

terasa hampa.

btw, aku udh tau alasan kenapa jarak itu sempat terasa.

ya, krn hal sepele lagi.

aku kadang ga paham, harus sesempurna apa aku so they want to stay?

if i'm only their stop over, their toy, then till when?

i'm tired for trusting people.

i'm tired for opening my heart for them to come in.

yes, they come. but then they left me.

with no words, no explanation.

dan yg menyakitkan lainnya,

while i'm away, watching them having their coffee (bahkan sampe ngebales chatpun engga hehe), means they enjoy their convo.

dan bakalan begitu terus ke depannya.

moreover, minggu depan while i'll almost full in a week ga disana.

i can only witness them having their good time.

sedangkan aku?

mungkin aku tidur di hotel yg enak, tapi ya rasanya sendiri.

kosong hehehe.

aku pikir kita akan ngehabisin waktu sedikit lebih lama, kalopun aku tau kita ga bisa.

tapi ternyata cuma segitu aja.

setelah tau gimana aku, mungkin sekarang cari yg belum didapatkan?

entahlah terlalu lelah batin ini utk memikirkannya.

i know we can't be together.

but you said, let us forget what we can't forget.

go with the flow and see what's next going to happen.

tapi ga secepet itu juga...

cause i'm finally feeling alive after few months, or almost a year.

deket sama orang yg peduli samaku.

ngeliat orang yg aku suka setiap hari and spending our times by talking.

egoisnya, at least i can feel being loved again dan semangat setiap harinya.

but the fact? aku yg kejauhan mikirnya hahaha.

cuma tiga hari dan selesai semua.

sisanya yg aku rasain? 

ya pura pura bahagia while he showed me some pictures of girls yg lagu deket ama dia.

ngeliat chat orang lain dibales but not mine.

moreover, seeing you more active talking to her than me.

while what i did is only listening to you both.

you're finally getting bored of me.

and here i am, being abandoned again and again.

with the pieces of broken heart, the tears and the smile i always have to put on :)

kalo memang semua semudah itu buatmu,

kenapa harus dimulai walau tau itu udah ga mungkin?

we could choose not to start it, but you made me want to.

tapi apalah aku dibanding mereka yg membahagiakan kamu ya hehehe.
i can't explain how's my feeling to you.
mungkin aku mulai sayang.
tapi ya.... kembali disia siakan😊

i'm exhausted.....