October 24th, 2015
it was one of my golden days in October.
the days I felt so heavy, magically turned into joyful days only because of him.
I found someone I could share my daily life and everything with no doubt which made my days easily passed by.
H-1 before my birthday.
sebenernya rasanya biasa aja cause there was nothing special at that day.
hanya aja aku masih inget jelas, di saat itu kita masih intens chat by line and sometimes bbm.
bahkan segala bentuk janji dan statement which I never heard from anyone before was declared at those times.
I didn't even forget a little thing the things we created at that time.
it's only you and me who face the time with no burden cause we knew we had each other to hold on and face everything.
we still had each other to talk about everything and wished the time could stop so we could stay together always.
:)
October 24th, 2017
here I am writing this, and it's been two years without notice.
with the total different circumstance.
I'm at my office, and have no spirit to go out to meet people and socialize with them.
it's been almost three weeks anw.
all I want is keep myself away from public and stay in my room all day.
I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone and don't want to be in center of attention.
dan ternyata bener, penyebab aku jadi begini ya ternyata ini adalah bulan dimana aku punya begitu banyak kenangan.
rasanya lemes dan ga ada semangat sama sekali.
dua tahun yang lalu aku merasa begitu berbahagia, ketika pada saat ini aku merasa begitu menahan sakit dan luka.
dua tahun yang sempurna mengubah diriku menjadi orang yang literally berbeda.
aku yang sekarang udah punya trauma dan rasa takut yang begitu dalam.
dan ya penyebabnya tentu saja, orang yang membuatku begitu bahagia dua tahun yang lalu.
while I am here alone with my scars,
he's having golden times with his new gf.
spent their times like everyday, main ke pantai, candi, taman, even dikasi boneka.
jadi keinget, sebelumnya aku perna minta boneka waktu dia mau berangkat ke Jakarta.
harapannya sih bisa dikasi kalo udah dapet gaji pertama.
I wanted to have something as his replacement untuk aku peluk peluk if only I missed him.
tapi yahh boro-boro hahaha, seminggu setelah dia mulai kerja aku udah ditinggalkan.
I don't know how to stop finding things which only can stab me slowly.
bahkan sekarang aku udah bingung harus menuliskan apa.
sepertinya semua bentuk rasa sakitku udah perna aku tuliskan.
kenangan apa aja yang aku pernah rasakan dulu juga udah banyak yang aku tuliskan.
I'm just too sad.
too sick.
too painful.
too weak.
for facing tomorrow.
my birthday never feel the same as two years ago.
rasanya mau ngelewatinnya bareng siapapun juga udah ga menarik lagi.
even sekarang aku udah punya banyak temen baru disini, bahkan lagi ada deket sama seseorang, but still, rasanya hampa.
as I remember, I won't ever trust any guy out there anymore,
I feel like I have no place to go.
I feel like I everywhere I go, I'll always find the same case.
and I don't know how to start trusting them again.
rasanya kecewa dan luka ini ga akan kering.
belum lagi setiap ngeliat kebahagiaan-kebahagiaan kecil yang mereka lewati as I ever felt before....
it's been more than a year but why this feeling still doesn't change at all?
why I still can savor the wound and still feel the exact pain as the day he left?
why I still keep wishing he would come back into my life someday?
why I still keep going back to two years ago and comparing every little thing to those times?
why I still wanting him to be my birthday gift?
entahlah, sulit aku gambarkan gimana antah berantahnya perasaan ini sekarang.
gimana luka aku ini masih begitu terasa sakitnya......
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