June 23rd

begini rasanya terlatih patah hati

hadapi getirnya terlatih disakiti

bertepuk sebelah tangan, sudah biasa

ditinggal tanpa alasan sudah biasa

so yaaa lagi kampung kampungnya dengerin lagu ini entah kenapa hahaha.

mungkin karena menceritakan sebagian dari kisah hidup kali ya😂

terkadang rasanya bego juga ngetawain nasib sendiri tapi yasudahlah ya daripada dibawa mellow terus, mending diketawain aja huahahahhahahahaha

24 Juni 2016.

tanggal 23 kemarin, tepat setahun berlalu semenjak dia pergi dari medan.

siapa dia yang aku maksud disini?

ya siapa lagi kalo bukan orang yang akhirnya bikin aku kembali menulis disini.

setahun itu ga terasa ya.

sebenarnya terasa buatku yg benar benar nungguin dia.

nungguin setahun lagi berlalu biar genap dua tahun.

tapi itu dulu.

karena aku udah ga lagu menunggu dia kembali.

ga lagi membiarkan diriku dibodohi olehnya yang terlalu banyak membohongiku, menipuku dan memanfaatkan keberadaanku dulu :)

sounds too cruel?

but that's what happened to me.

i just don't know how to explain,

how my heart torn into pieces by the time i realized that i'm being fooled by him, and waiting for someone who already threw me like a trash.

for you there.

you know how much i loved you at that time?

how my days were full of tears and crying night by night for about almost 12months?

how patient i was about waiting for you?

how broke my heart knowing that there's someone who always be there for you?

how hurt my heart realizing knowing i'm being replaced?

how bleeding my heart witnessed every single thing you did with her was a similar thing like you ever did to me?

how much i was suffering for almost 12 months?

and how i feel being fooled by you?

tahun lalu jam segini, aku masih nangis nangis.

nangis karena kamu akhirnya jauh dan ga akan bisa aku temuin lagi.

tapi dengan yakinnya kamu bilang kamu akan balik 2 tahun lagi, dan ga bakalan kemana mana.

karena kamu disana serius akan kerjaan kamu, mau nabung, mau ngebantu keluarga kamu, mau jadi yang membanggakan untuk mereka.

and if you still remember, how hard i forced you to focus on things for making your parents proud of you?

and until finally,

you used that thing to cover all of your lies to me? :)

for being so naive that you had tough days there,

while i clearly witnessed that you're having good days there, with her :)

pernah gak kamu mau tau gimana cara menghargai komitmen dan kepercayaan seseorang?

pernah gak mau tau gimana cara menghargai perasaan seseorang?

hahahaha ya gak akanlah.

aku disini hampir kayak mayat hidup karena kamu.

karena kamu pergi, karena kamu berubah, karena kamu gak lagi peduli, karena kamu punya yang baru.

sering rasanya aku pengen mati aja supaya aku ga inget itu lagi, supaya aku gak lagi ngerasa tertekan setiap inget hal manis yang dulu.

selama setahun itu aku sangat susah tidur karena aku takut aku mimpiin hal itu, karena setiap kali hal itu masuk ke mimpi aku, aku rasanya setakut itu.

ngeliat postingan ig kamu, aku kegeeran itu buatku pdhl cuma pengen play over me :)

pernah tau rasanya mempercayai hal yang kita sendiri gatau itu bener apa gak, tapi gak punya pilihan lain selain tetap sabar dan percaya?

trus tiba tiba dikecewain? :)

if you only knew,

how many nights i spent for thinking and crying over you?

how many tears rolled down for you?

how many songs i played that remind me of you?

do you know how much i loved you, S?

a year.

it's not a short time you know?

and i'm proud of myself even what i did was a waste.

at least i ever tried so hard for you, i ever fought so hard for you and i ever struggled over thousand things only for keeping you as mine.

and finally i discovered the answer.

i am no longer existed in your life.

only because a new comer.

someonoe who always be there by your side.

someone that you can touch and feel every day.

someone that can take care of you.

which, you ever mentioned will never ever find a replacement for me,

never ever look for someone new out there,

never ever leave me for someone new :)

belum lagi,

untuk hal hal yang aku sadari cuma statement kamu aja.

untuk janji kamu mengenai keluarga kamu,

mengenai harapan kamu ngebahagiain kamu dengan saving lebih untuk mreka.

but what i see,

yaaa sama seperti kamu yang aku tau dulu.

literally the same thing, i no need to mention it here.

ya berarti bener kan, aku cuma dibodohi olehmu.

you only want to look like pathetic in front of me, to whiten all your sins to me hahahaha.

stop looking pathetic if you are not, man :)

enjoy your satnite dinner, your date to sea world, your coffee date, your fancy lunch, your fun friends.

just enjoy your happiness there, and no need to fake like all you had was a lie.

muak udah rasanya sama semua tipuanmu sama semua hal yang membuat aku sakit dulu.

aku muak.

belum lagi seminggu lalu kamu nelfon aku tiba tiba, nanyain hal yang aku ga nyangka kamu tanya ahahaha.

dan sejak saat itulah, respect aku ke kamu berkurang.

100% hilang and will never ever return.

you called me for one stupid thing.

memanfaatkan keberadaanku? hahahah.

you thought i will fight that hard for your own profit?

you want to play over my heart for your own importance?
hahahaha kocak tau gak.
man, kalo aku nih ya, kalo aku...
once i threw someone away, i won't ever come back for any reason.
i won't ever did that disgusting thing.
cuma mau manfaatin aku ya?
duhduh bego bener aku selama ini bertahan untuk seseorang yang ternyata hanya manfaatin aku.
hahh tapi yasudahlah aku cukup tau.
i'm enough to know you from new perspective as someone you left.
be happy there.
thank you for the great year you made me experience.
at least i ever learnt to love someone so hard and fight so hard (sampe ke jkt usahanya wkwk), for believing something i can't believe in.
i ever loved you so much, Baby.
i ever.
but,
i wish you a happy life.
and i wish someday i'll find someone who loves me sincerely and won't leave me for any reason, moreover cause of distance :)