suicide (?)

based on the title, i'm going to write about suicide.

it went viral lately cause of the terrifying news about the death by the vocalist of Linkin Park, Chester Bennington.

anw, myself also feels sad by hearing this news.

cause however his songs ever been part of my playlist when in junior high school even till now.

i even still heard his latest album which just released bout two months ago.

and the saddest thing is, he died cause of doing suicide by hanging himself in his room.

obviously this thing triggered us to look further for what's the reason behind it.

whilst, he's a famous person, he may have everything he wants, or maybe he won't have a tremendous problem in life.
but what actually happened was, he did suicide to end up all the problems he'd carried on.

as usual, this incident will turn public into judges, detectives or whatsoever.

what i'm going to talk about is.....

we can't measure how deep someone's depression by our own perspective.

maybe for some persons, doing suicide is only for the fools.

but they don't really understand what happened to that person, how hard their life for them, how hard they try to face this world, how suffered they might be and many other reasons.

cause honestly, i ever tried to do it.

sounds stupid? haha ya you may judge me:)

i ever tried to do it for several times.

when i was in senior high school, in college, even about few months ago.

no, i'm not talking bout only thinking to do it.

cause i was already in part of doing it.

i already did the hurtful things.

but the time i was doing it, i felt no pain.

it was like, all of my senses suddenly became numb.

rasanya kalo aku nyeritain hal hal bodoh apa yang aku pernah lakuin, aku bakalan dibilang bego, tolol, gaguna, dlsb.

start from scratching knife to my hand circle (even i ever experienced the bottle pieces), drank the insect liquid killer and ah ya i ever tried using scissors either.

i was so depressed at that time.

about my family, about my surrounding, my friends, and also about my love life.

i was totally despair and i felt like nobody understands me.

everybody just keep hurting me and mocking me.

i have no one to run to and it kept hunting me for months.

while almost every child always have their parents to hold them when they almost fall down, i didn't feel the same way.

yaaa i may say, my family is not a safe place for me.

moreover, it was one of the terrifying place for me.

fyi, aku dibesarkan di keluarga yang keras.

that's why i never felt safe by staying at home.

i always felt insecure if i did smth wrong.

while i thought i was not a child they hoped to be, that became one of the reason i wanted to end my life.

dulu sering aku nangis di kamar kalo aku habis dimarahin atau habis ngelakuin kesalahan.

aku sering ngerasa depresi yang bener bener menyiksa karena aku gamau lagi ada di rumah itu, karena aku bener bener takut.

dalam pikiranku saat itu, satu kesalahan dan aku akan kembali ngerasain hukuman dari kesalahanku.

belum lagi saat itu aku ngerasa aku ga bisa nguasain pelajaran.

aku belajar tapi entah kenapa hasil yang aku dapatkan jarang memuaskan.

dan tentu aja aku bakalan lagi lagi disalahkan dan dimarahi.

pada saat itu, aku senenggg bangettt kalo bisa nginep di rumah saudara karena dengan begitu aku ga perlu ada di rumah itu.

can you imagine, while home should be the place you go turn to be the place you hide the most?

i didn't have a harmonist family like others.

i wasn't close to my mom and dad, also to my brother.

even, i hated them. very very much.

tiga tahun masa SMAku bukanlah hal yang mudah, karena aku ngerasa selalu kurang di mata orangtuaku.

aku ga bisa kasi prestasi yang membanggakan like another children did.

yang ada aku hanya membuat kegagalan dan kesalahan.

dan ga sekalipun aku merasakan dorongan menyemangati karena aku hanya terus disalahkan dan disudutkan.

aku ga berani minta apapun, bahkan uang jajan karena takut hahaha.

ya, setakut itu.

ngeliat temen temen punya HP ini itu, bisa beli ini itu, pergi kesana sini, jajan ini itu, nyeritain gimana orang tua mereka,

all i did was only listening to their stories, looked around and borrowed their stuffs.
i didn't have any guts to ask for having a or b.
bukan karena mereka ga mampu, tapi mereka emng gamau.
jadi daripada aku harus dimarahin, way better for me not to ask.

kalo aku sebegitu pengennya pergi jalan sm temenku, i lied to my parents or if their mood was fine, i'll ask for permissions.

why i was that scared, cause i ever asked once and ended up with bad things i no need to mention.

jadi yaaaa hal hal itu yang membuat aku ngerasa sangat depresi dan segitu pengennya mati aja.
belum lagi, lingkunganku terkadang membuatku begitu kecil.
i can't have this and that, can't afford this and that, can't be like this and that and so many other things that made me insecure.
dan kadang, becandaan temen temen itu ga selamanya lucu karena yang jadi bahan itu adalah kelemahan ataupun sesuatu yg membedakan kita dari yang lain.
tanpa harus dimentionpun aku udah ngerasa down, apalagi dijadiin jokes dan dianggap lucu.
ya i am that sensitive, but only few people know it.
cause i didn't show it.
imagine how desperate i was? 

dan ketika aku udh ngerasain gimana itu punya pacar, once i felt being thrown, i felt sooooo hopeless.

i felt there won't be no one who understands me anymore.

aku bener bener ngerasain disayangin dan diperhatiin gimana pada saat itu.

dan kembali lagi kepikiran to do suicide.

entah udh berapa kali aku ngelakuin percobaan itu tapi belum cukup berani wkwk.

so what i did was, doing the closest things to it.

ya misalnya scratching my hand circle till i saw the blood came out.

the more scratches, the more it bleeding, the more relieving i was.

yes, i had ever been in that phase.

jadi dulu itu sering ada goresan goresan di pergelangan tanganku.

semasa SMA dan kuliah lebih tepatnya.

pernah lagi minum baygon hahaha.

nyoba seteguk ternyata rasanya bener bener gaenak wkwk.

dan akhirnya badanku keringat dingin, mual, pusing dan muntah muntah.

but luckily i'm still alive hahahaha.

i felt so desperate and literally loss.

mungkin buat kebanyakan orang, itu bukanlah suatu alasan untuk ngelakuin hal hal bodoh itu.

but what in my mind at that time was, i felt a bit relieved and i was fine doing it.

btw kita jangan ngomongin soal spiritual dulu ya, because somehow we can't relate these two things as simple as that.

my mind and my soul were totally messy.

and i chose to do those things as my way to escape.

and i ever did the hurtful things for bout few months ago.

you should already know what was the reason, wasnt it?

i felt totally loss.

setahun lalu itu bener bener berat buatku.

nangis tiap malam, ga makan ga minum, ga tidur, bang my head to the door, dlsb.

bahkan sampe pernah paratifus.

kalo kata orang karena salah makan dan kurang istirahat, aku adalah di bagian lack of restnya.

awal awal pindah ke siantar, aku beneran ngerasa sendiri.

jadi yaaa setiap malam aku masi ngelakuin hal yang sama cuma di tempat berbeda.

paginya kerja, makan ga teratur, kurang tidur dan akhirnya sakit.

aku sesusah itu untuk tidur kalo lagi ada yg dipikirkan.

i ever thought,

aku ini sebenernya berhak untuk ngerasa beneran bahagia gak, apa aku harus selalu disakitin dan ditinggalin, apa aku harus selalu ga dihargain, apa aku harus selalu dilupakan dan pikiran pikiran jelek lainnya.

he was one of the most precious thing i had.

he was my safest place to go.

he was the place whenever i want to cry and release my emotion.

he was the one who understands me the most.

he was the reason why i can't wait to face a new day because k want to see him.

i trust him a hundred percent.

and i loved him waaaaayyyy tooo much.

he was my world, he was my everything.

he meant that much for me :)

and i never thought about, he will leave me someday.

he will leave me cause he already fine someone new.

that's why, the days i spent without him, literally the super hard days for me.

aku bener bener ngerasain namanya kosong, hampa, sakit, gelap, tersiksa dan tanpa arah.

apalagi waktu tau aku dibohongi dan dia udah ketemu yang baru.

i want to die at that time.

bukan, bukan karena tau dia punya yang baru.

not as simple as that.

aku hanya pengen ngerasa lepas dari tekanan batinku, depresiku dan segala kejadian dulu yang terus muncul dalam benak aku.

how those things really tortured me and slowly sucking my energy.

i just want to release myself from all those painful things.

jangan menempatkan kalo gara gara cowo aja bisa segitu bodohnya.

like i said before, stand as my perspective.

he was my world and suddenly disappeared.

how i felt loss and how the old things kept haunting me.

my life was so terrible and i was a total mess every time i was alone.

nobody recognized me was having problems, cause i always act like i am handling everything easily.

aku ketawa, senyum, bahkan jadi partner untuk orang sharing masalahnya.

ketika masalahku sendiripun ga terpecahkan.

once again, it's not as simple and easy as people may think.

cause for me, i put him as one of the best thing in my life.

aku beneran ngerasain gimana itu putus asa, depresi, pesimis, skeptis, hampa, sakit, tertekan, dll.

aku yakin ga akan ada yg ngerti dan paham apa yang aku rasakan.

aku yakin aku sendiri.

kalo bisa dibilang, tubuhku yang masi hidup tapi jiwaku udh mati.

dan karena aku ngerasa ga ada yg mengerti dan aku hanya sendiri hadapin hal itu,

aku pengen udahin semuanya aja supaya ga ada lagi hari hari buruk yang aku jalani.

aku ga perlu takut ngeliat timeline ig dan path aku, aku ga perlu menjalani malam malam yang menghabiskan air mata dan energiku, aku ga perlu takut ketemu temen2 ku atau temen temen dia buat jelasin apa yg terjadi.

cause i just want to quit.

i want to stop the torture.

that's why saat itu aku pernah ingin bunuh diri lagi.
cause in my mind, it's the only shortcut to no more feel the pain, to end the suffer.
doing suicide is the only option to stop the torture.
and if only i was blackout at that time, maybe i am no more here writing this blog.
karena, kalo emang bunuh diri itu udah terjadi,
itu bukan berarti orangnya sepenuhnya sadar apa yang dia lakuin dan ga mikir panjang.
mereka pernah memikirkan a b c kalo bunuh diri,
tapi ya pada saat itu mereka cuma mau out dari segala bentuk kesakitannya.
and that's how the pain ends.
menyedihkan memang, tapi itu udah jadi pilihannya.

anw, udah pagi dan aku ga tidur sama sekali.

i'll continue the story on the next posting ya.

good morning.