your last surprise

another flashback....

time flies and without realizing, we had passed so many things within a year.

a year.

another story with the same person.

during one year.

here i am, sitting in the car, on my way back to my daily life.

finally i have finished my trip for three days and can't wait to touch my bed.

i'm freakin tired for these three days and really really not in the mood for doing things related to my work.

all i want is, lying on my bed, earphone connected and listening to my playlist without distraction.

only myself.

i feel nauseated these days, for playing drama in these three days.

bahkan kalo bisa dibilang, kalo orang yang ketemu aku kenal siapa aku, they will easily recognize my mood is really not good and not in the moment for talking and discussing about smth.

my mind is tired and either my soul.
i just need time for myself cause am tooooo tired to socialize with others.

while i'm listening to the same song, my brain accidentally comparing to what happened last year.
and omg....
even my fingers shakes...
your last surprise.
you gave the last surprise for me.
in the same date, in the different year.
why i can remember the date clearly?
cause it's my friend birthday and i was busy preparing the things for her surprise from his bf.
i still clearly remember how you amazed me at that time.

i was busy reading my novels and highlighting some rows to be shown to you.
and unexpectedly you called me, saying you'll be there in 30 mns so i gotta be ready.
ha ha ha :")
kamu disitu mau ngambil ijazah utk perlengkapan berkas ojk kamu.
dan kamu sebenernya udh di hari ketiga di medan tapi sengaja ga bilang sama aku krn takut aku bakalan ngerengek utk nemenin kamu, jd kamu kabarinnya setelah urusan kamu hampir kelar.
dan itupun sbnrnya belom kelar.
jadi yang aku lakuin adalah nungguin kamu sampe segala urusan kamu kelar.
kita makan siang, dan aku bener2 bahagia saat itu.
ga nyangka kamu tiba2 muncul di depan aku dan bisa makan siang bareng lagi.
aku bahkan masi inget foto terakir yg kita ambil di kerangkeng.
while at that time aku udh gaperna lg menyentuh lantai dua itu.
karena buatku sama aja dngn bunuh diri sendiri.
aku nangis di kerangkeng itu, i turned my head around, i still remember every corner of that room witnessed every story we created.
that's the place where our story began.
that's the place which we spent most of all our times, by only talking, streaming some videos and did another stupid things.
that's the place which magically anesthetized us that time keeps rotating and already turned into nights.
and do you remember bout our stupid convos?
rasanya geli utk mengingatnya but somehow i ever hoped we will make it happen someday.
you said, the place you really want to have your prewed photos is in the second floor of your campus building, where every story of us began and created.
saat itu aku ngerasa apasihhhh gamau malu dlsb.
tapi kamu bilang, it's up to me to take photos wherever i want, but the only place you highly request is there.
bahkan ngebayangin spot mana aja yang bakalan kamu pake and how the scenario you want us to pose.
ha ha ha ha ha.
such a nightmare mengingat semuamuanya itu :')

thats why i never stepped my feet again to that room, even to the second floor, cause every inch of the floor reminded me of you.
i can suddenly become such an insane if i remember even a small thing about you.
bahkan kalopun itu sekarang, aku masih gak sanggup kembali ke tempat itu.
that's the very last time you did a surprise for me.
while the rest, yes you surprised me....
but with things that causing scars on me :)

it made me scrolled into my screenshots albums to my old phone.
dan ternyata aku masih nyimpen chat kita di wa.
bahkan ada kamu mention that you wanted to finish all your trainings, you wanted to focus, and you promised me.
and you said you'll come to greet me one year later.
means, this year? 
ha ha ha but where are you now?
you're there, pretending having an amnesia.
and already having a happy life with a new one.
not fair right?
im always be abandoned, with no words, no explanation.
making me wondering what's my fault, what did i do that causing you left.
being left without any reason, but have to accept the truth that i've been forgotten.
starting my life again, with new scars which never heal.
accepting things i never expected, and spending my nights by crying and crying.
jangan perna menghakimi that what i did just a waste and no use.
i know and i already know it.
but if you experienced the same thing, i mean,
experienced the same thing in our own perspective, you will understand.
how that thing really affect my life, means how that thing really precious for me.
how he was one of my precious thing and always be my top three list.
ya, he was everything for me.
imagine how the precious things in your life suddenly disappear?
lost.
yes that's what i felt.
mungkin sampe skrg, entahlah....

and here i am crying again with the same songs i always keep repeating.....