have you ever?

i had a really really tough days recently.

and it's about two weeks already.

hmmm....

idk why, but feels like my world breaks down, and I am the one being left and there's no one surround me.

and i think i'm gonna have no sleep at all.

like before.

another disappointment.

another sacrifice wasn't paid off.

another ignorance.
another refusement.
another injustice.  

and, another fake smile :)

what i had done for the last three months, was just left for only making others happy.

and i am here being left, staring at their happy faces...

accepting the reality that all the things i sacrificed was meant nothing...
after all the struggles i tried to deal with,
i was abandoned like what i did wasn't a matter.
and the saddest part is,

the person whom you run to everytime facing problems,

didn't care at all and just left you solving your problems alone and being accused for not being grateful for all i already received.
tragic wasn't it?

what i had done to this team for the last three months, whether it's part of my jobdesc or not (even most of the things i did wasn't part of my jobdesc), wasn't appreciated at all.

they just left me with nothing for every little thing i did.
you know what's the more hurtful part?
all the things i did was only be enjoyed by the person i hate the most since the first time i stepped my feet in here.

while i was struggling alone, but the final result was savored by him. 

for every single month.

ha. ha. ha.

tau gitu rasanya aku gaperlu cape cape setiap harinya.

dituntut ini itu yg bukan kerjaan aku,

belom lg ngerjain yg diminta atasan,

belom lg komplain komplain yg aku dengerin,

belom lg disalahin pdhl aku cuma follow up dan ga salah apa apa, 

belom lg dituduh ngelakuin kesalahan pdhl disini udh mau mati ngerjain semuanya sendiri.

everything i did was uselesssssss.

the time i spent, the anxiety i wasted,

and other things i already prepared to present the very best i could offer,

and all i got was nothing.

such an incredible waiting! :)

seminggu ini bahkan aku ga bisa istirahat kecuali hari jumat malem kemaren.

i got a visit from monday to wednesday,

and went for a trip from thursday to friday.

i didn't have enough sleep since last saturday until this saturday.

amazing right?

rasanya males untuk kerja lagi.
since again and again,
i was abandoned with thousand promises which need to be paid off to all the dealers in here.

berkontribusi besar, tp aku ga rasain hasil dari itu semua.

kalo cuma orang itu yg nikmati, buat apa kan? 

dan kalopun aku teriak minta tolong dibantu, tetep dianggapnya harus ikhlas berkontribusi?

hahhh yasudahlah hahahaha.

tanpa ada hal inipun hari hariku sudah terasa berat.

terlebih lagi sekarang ha ha ha.

there were some times,

i unexpectedly cried...

just cried for few minuted then stared with an empty gaze.

i just sit motionless, blank, and remain silent...

until i realize what made me become like this...

i feel sooo lonely.....

i am a loner...

i feel there's no one out there understands me the way i wish.

there's no one i could tell all the pain i keep inside,

there's no one i could put the mask off and just let myself crying till i want to stop.

i am not that strong anymore.

i am not that tough.

i am broken here and the more I try to settle as a strong one,

the harder i need to put the effort only for a tiny smile on my face.

i need someone to hug me right now cause i am not okay at all.

i am shattered in here and i have no way to go.

i don't know what i supposed to do this morning,

what i should say about the text i didn't reply since saturday,

what i should eat to boost my energy up for faking a smile a whole day.

cause i feel so out of energy, i am drained.

baru kali ini bisa tiba tiba nangis sendiri, blank dan hanya terdiam.

terlintas hal hal menyakitkan yang bikin aku susah untuk berhenti menangis.

maybe here i arrive to that phase again.

depressed. 

while i am depressed in here,

i don't know why i can just sit silently and doing nothing.

keinget waktu last meeting, 

where at that time i was super mad to my team,

and that was the day which was one of the trigger in ruining my days a week ahead.

i spit out some harsh sentences, and no more than a week, i felt soooo guilty by what i did.

entahlahhhh im so fckn messed up this time.

i merely need someone to just listen to me, to listen to all the burden i'd carried on.

just listen and do not response.

just that.

like what i once felt about a year ago, with someone.

already a year since the hard days you left me to travel alone, 

and surprisingly i am still writing what i feel inside about you.

i am still as messed up as the last august.
i am still that broken as last year.
i am still that wrecked.
i miss you, S.

i miss you.

i miss our late night convos, i miss our deep talk, i miss our never ending stories, i miss the time we sang to each other....

i miss every single thing i did with you.
i miss spending my time by only talking with you.
i miss them, S.

and i don't wanna do those things with other men,

cause there won't be anyone can make me feel as pleased as what you did.

i find no one can treat me as well as you did.

and i don't want to experience those things with a new comer.

cause all what i see will be you.
i'll see everyone as you....

aku kangen, Deekk.... 

while i am here missing you,

you're already with someone else.

you already have my replacement to do all of those things i miss when i was still yours.

i never be okay since you left me, not at all.

i never found another happiness as what you ever offered me.
i always seek for those kind of happiness and still i found nothing.
i ever been okay, but then our memories appear piece by piece and successfully making me drowning into tears.

i never expected for being this hard only for moving on.

rasanya aku ga percaya sama apapun itu soal relationship.

i am trauma to all those things.

hahaha seorang nomik bs trauma sama hal beginian yah ternyata.....

:")

hello there, have you ever missed me?

have i ever crossed your mind at about this hour and turned you back to our deep convos about 2 years ago?

have you ever wanted to go back to our golden time?

have you ever at least want to hear my voice while having hard times?
have you ever wanted to have a late night convos with me again?

have you ever?





have you ever, Baby? :')