hapsun!

Yesus, Kau anugerah terindah dalam hidupku

Kau sungguh berarti di setiap jalanku

Anugerah-Mu selalu mempesonaku

Yesus Kau terbaik, Yesus Kau termanis di dalam hidup-Ku

seminggu ini rasanya entah kenapa berat.

rasanya kosong, rasanya lelah, rasanya semuanya salah.

apapun yang aku lakukan entah kenapa terasa begitu berat.

rasanya semua salah, semua kurang, semua membebaniku.

untuk pertama kalinya,

aku menangis karena pekerjaan.

anehnya, aku bukan menangis waktu pekerjaanku sedang tidak berjalan baik.

tapi aku menangis justru ketika semuanya sedang baik baik saja.

justru ketika areaku sedang perform dan jadi yang paling baik dibandingkan area lain.

justru ketika anggotaku sedang progress.

so, why?

i dont know.

deep down here, i feel so freakin empty.

i feel like i have no one in this world.

i feel like i'm having my life alone and have to face it by myself.

i feel like i'll never have person who understands me.

i feel totally depressed.

knowing myself have to pretend like everything's fine on me, 

literally sucking all of my energy and leave me draining.

aku bukan orang yang sering berdoa dan bersaat teduh,

bukan orang yang sering denger lagu rohani,

but I did it the latest week.

maybe it doesn't affect much, but at least i find peaceful everytime the song's on playing.

there are so many different things I'm living right now, compared to what I had last year.

I never imagined I did what I'm doing right now, not in a second.

and realizing I'm still breathing and typing this blog right now,

I know I'm more than strong to face whatever obstacle will appear in my life.

but still, I am not good in motivating myself that I'm capable to face every obstacle in my life.

anw, entah kenapa setiap pertengahan tahun itu semacam titik dimana duniaku tiba2 terbalik.

rasanya berat dan sendirian.

like last year and last two years.

pertengahan tahun lalu adalah saat dimana aku ditinggalkan begitu aja sama orang yang begitu aku percayai ga akan mengkhianati aku.

dan dua tahun lalu adalah saat dimana aku sakit dan hampir ga bisa ngeliat lagi.

and today?

the time when I feel so lonely for no reason and feel so empty without any spesific explanation.

sebenernya ngantuk dan nanti mau gereja tp jam segini belum jt terpejam mata ini hmm.

anw, I learnt so many things lately.

about forgiving, about letting go, about giving without asking for feedback, about being more patient over whatever things came to me, about being nice even already thrown, about always listening when I'm not listened, about always being there everytime needed.

and I am totally exhausted for still being there for people in needed but have no one when I need one.

and about sincerity.

means, I've tried my best and put aside my pride,

I've to accept any bad possibilities wholeheartedly.

acceptance isn't an easy thing anw.

mengikhlaskan apapun itu terjadi diluar perkiraan dan harapan itu literally hard thing.

mengikhlaskan ketika aku gak dipilih,

melakukan pekerjaan yg sebenernya bukan part of my job hanya karena pengen boost up the goals tapi malah sering dimarahin,

dituntut melakukan a b c oleh atasan without being appreciated,

menyaksikan segala hal yang membuat aku begitu sakit (masih),

menerima seseorang yang sesukanya datang pergi ketika butuh,

menerima dipandang sebelah mata atas apa yang aku kerjakan sekarang,

menerima ketika dianggap ga lebih hebat dibandingkan seseorang,

bahkan menerima respons yang begitu menyakitkan even I'm still trying to know him.

my physical and mental are totally break down.

trying to deny the fact that I'm seeking for someone who can take care of me, but that's one of the thing hahaha.

mencoba untuk mengenal sosok seseorang (anw akhirnya aku kembali merasakan ini after almost two years) dan ya responsenya ga baik mgkn karena aku ga satu pekerjaan sm dia hahaha.

classic isn't it?

but totally makes my day feel so screw up.

hmm, I think i need to sleep right now.

almost 4am.

Happy Sunday!