again....

5 am
that's the time i started to write this post.
and ya, i didn't sleep at all, again.
gimana mau sembuh kalo tidur aja engga, keluar malem pula.
ya semacem finding another way to torture myself.
batuk kagak sembuh sembuh dan ditambah demam yang naik turun.
i dont feel good.
no, not at all *cough 100times*
my eyebags become worse day by day.
kalo kemarin gelapnya masi bisa ketutupan concealer, but not now.
kalo ditutupin, jatohnya dempul bgt saking udh gelapnya.
gatau deh ini bisa ngembaliin supaya ga separah ini gimana.
tidur aja susah, sekalinya tidur siang siang.
anw i didnt work for three days already.
bukan sengaja, but rasanya cape aja.
belom 5 menit jalan udh ngos ngosan ditambah batuk batuk kayak nenek nenek, and yaaa asma aku kambuh lagi.
thats why am not sure for going out there, how if this asthma turns worse while am doin my job.
if am not mistaken, the last time this asthma attacked was last year.
the moments were when i argued for so many times with him, and also the following days where i finally realize he has already gone...
i'm not sure how many times that thing happened to me.
haha time flies yah...
entah kali ini karena dia lagi atau engga,
but he also takes a part for being the trigger.
since, i become worse also because of remembering what he had done to me.
kalo taun lalu kumatnya bukan karena batuk batuk, but more to sudden attack for being too under pressure.
yaoloh kenapa batuk ini feels soooooooooo painful and even so painful for me only to breathe 😔

sampai kapankah aku mampu bertahan
tetapi aku jalani semua kisah hidupku ini
tak akan terganti setiap kenangan yang telah terukir
yang teramat indah dan melekat di hati
akankah berakhir semua rasa yang telah tercipta
di dalam benakku dan di dalam asaku

terlarut aku dalam kesendirian
saat aku menyadari tiada lagi dirimu kini.....

another same repeating stories kok......
:")
i just had a phone call with leona few hours ago.
bayangin tiba tiba dia nelfon jam setengah tiga pagii then ended at four.
itu juga krn dia yg mematikan sepihak-_-
cuma cerita cerita biasa, till unintentionally we get to a topic about forgiving and letting ago.
entah kenapa tiba tiba ngebahas itu.
but we both agree about a statement.
strength is when you forgiving people who wasn't sorry.
:")
which, the real sincerity is you already forgive someone whole heartedly and let them do whatever makes them happy.
forgiving doesn't mean you're sincere.
but once you're sincere, you're already forgiving fully.
and that's what am still not capable to do.

rasanya bingung how can a person suddenly turn their back and walk away so heartlessly?
just in a blink of an eye, turn into someone like never knew me at all.
:")
then blaming me for reasons never been discussed before, giving nonsense statements, and leave....
i dont know how to heal this wound.
i dont know how to step forward if this thing still haunting me.
rasanya ga bisa lagi percaya sama siapapun itu.
rasanya aku akan gagal lagi.
rasanya aku akan dibohongi lagi.
rasanya apa yang aku jalani nanti sia sia lagi.
i cant let those shits ever happen to me anymore :")

talking to the moon, tryna get to you
in hopes you're on the other side talking to me too
or am i fool who sits alone
talking to the moon...
do you ever hear me callin?
cause every night i'm talking to the moon
still tryna get to you
in hopes you're on the other side talking to me too....

ga sampe seminggu setelah kamu in class, kamu lsg pergi gitu aja ninggalin aku.
kamu gamau tau sama sekali apapun soal aku.
kamu gaperna peduli lagi sama aku.
sampe tiba tiba kamu bilang kita udahan waktu aku hubungin kamu, di hari sabtu.
hari sabtu, hari yg sengaja aku pake utk hubungin kamu krn tau kamu bakalan sangat sibuk dari senin-jumat.
tapi yg aku dapetin, kamu malah nyelesaikan hubungan kita.
i dont know how to recover if all the things we ever made still intriguing my life.
still crawling somewhere in my mind.
still controlling my mind.....

all the things we planned before,
all the sweetest talk you ever told,
all the promises you made,
all the memories we built,
turns me to trust you so freakin much.
deep down in my heart, im still missing you Deek.....
i'm missing the old days we spent for sharing our stories and daily life...
i don't know will i find someone like you someday,
someone i can share everyyyyy single thing and be a person i can rely on.
i dont know.
i dont know....
aku kangen Deeek, aku kangen....