i.. miss you...

jadi ceritanya udh sakit 2 hari nih, dari selasa pagi kemaren.

tapi ya tetep keluar malemnya, gimana ga makin sakit kan HA HA HA.

entah kenapa rasanya skrg ini aku lg ga baik.

mentally and physically.

i enjoyed my me-time.

bukan lagi me-time sih tapi udah mmg menikmati kesendirian...

feels better for only keeping myself inside this room, put my earphone on and listening to my playlist, or sometimes doing other stuffs to keep myself busy.

even nyuci bajupun jadi menyenangkan as long it's still in my territory wkwk.

kayanya krn udh kelewat capek berminggu minggu, ditambah pikiran ga abis abis, jadi deh drop.

dimulai dari pilek, demam, lalu menjalar ke batuk dan asma kambuh.

gatau knp, emakku ada aja feelingnya aku sakit hahaha.

tapi daripada panjang aku blg aja engga sakit-_-

i dont know whats happening on me.

its been three weeks and there's no changes till now.

am still as messed up as before, still as horrible as before.

i dont know why.

i just cant accept what i am living right now.

i mean, i cant accept the thing that it's really hard for me to accept someone new.

i even wondering, how can i trust someone again?

how can i get into a new relationship again?

how can i let someone into my life again? 

cause i still remember clearly, how painful it was when the person you loved the most just walk away from your life, without any reason.

how the scars still attached and i can still feel it right now.

i dont want that thing happen again.

i dont want to be left again.

i dont want to be a stop over by anyone out there.

i never imagined before i could turn to be traumatic to this thing.

but honestly i am.

i still remember the cycle, how the sweetest things turn to be the most terrifying nightmare.

:")

btw, i just got a story from someone.

yaa bahkan bs dibilang this story is much more tragical than mine.

rasanya punya aku tuh belom ada apa apanya dibanding apa yg dialami orang ini.

but the way she told me, the way she detailed what happened to her later, how she being left, how she was blamed by any mistakes never been talked before, how she tried to accept every single reason even it was nonsense, how she still tried to fix what already broken, how she could feel so scared about the things related to that nightmare.....

i can summarize that both of us are literally broken...

we are already turned into pieces....

cerita yg sama adalah bagaimana dia menjelaskan soal...

how to deal with thing we still want to fight for and fix it, but it doesn't come from both sides.

how to accept the most hurtful thing, while we trust him so much and never ever think about he will someday leave me cause of someone else new, he just left us without any explanation.

how to still look okay in public while all we want to do is lying and crying over night.

how we still want to have him back and still look for the reasons why he left us.

how we were in some places that remind us to our memories whether the good and the bad ones.

udah setahun lebih tapi aku masih sama.

aku sendiri gangerti aku salahnya dmna lg, tp semuanya masih sama. 

aku tau am too fool for still remembering all the things i ever had with you..

but deep inside my heart, im still loving you...

am still hoping we could make another memories which been skipped for a year.

but if i remember how you replace me with someone new, rasanya aku gamau lg cause i feel sooo enough....

tp entahlah idk...

i just dont know will i have someone whom i can share all my stories?

:")

i miss you, Deekk.....