21 guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for

When it's not worth dying for?

Does it take your breath away

And you feel yourself suffocating?

I just listened to that old song while I was with eva this evening.

and just like usual, that song took me to the past times.

while I was in senior high, and still with andreas hahaha.

no, i don't mean to talk about him this time.

why this song matters is because of.....

the same repeating thing.

I don't know what kinda thing I am fighting right now.

I don't know if this thing worth to be fought for or not.

again, I feel like he doesn't know me.

he knows almost nothing about me.

while the only thing I need is his solace at me, I accept nothing.

feels like I don't need to tell him if the response is far from what I expected.

mulai jenuh.

mulai merasa semakin tidak cocok hahaha.

Does the pain weigh out the pride

And you look for a place to hide?

Did someone break your heart inside?

You're in ruins

I wish I could just hide from anyone.

I wish I could just disappear for a moment.

I wish there's no one out there cause I am so scared for being hurt by someone again.

kalo akhirnya aku akan lagi lagi disakiti, I can't stand on it.

siapalagi yang bisa ngebela aku kalo bukan orang yg aku sebut 'pacar'?

so I need to face it by myself like I have no one beside me?

:)

maybe ya, who am I compared to his companion for five years?

even, I lost to someone being known for few months.

and even less for someone who has had so many stories with him?

ketika tau dirimu dijelekkan dan difitnah oleh seseorang,

dan respon orang yg kamu sayang itu seakan gamau tau dan ga begitu menanggapi, itu gimana?

maybe ya, 

the way you response it was so mature.

but do you know the heart inside me breaks into pieces?

kalau pada akhirnya aku merasa lebih baik aku ga cerita,

untuk apa kita bareng?

you asked me to tell you what's in my mind?

how can I do that if I'll hear things I don't want to hear, and even hurt me more?

no you won't ever understand the pain I've been carrying for this 1.5 year.

menyerahkan kepercayaan aku untuk seseorang yang aku harapkan bisa menyembuhkan luka aku,

ternyata malah makin menyiram cuka?

luka yang belum sembuh, dan ternyata sekarang menjadi semakin parah?

pernah rasakan melewati semua sendiri?

melihat orang yang begitu kita percaya bisa berbahagia dengan orang lain tanpa memikirkan kita yang hampir mati?

dan sekarang yang aku rasakan itu.

my happiness isn't in your priority.

understanding myself is a burden for you.

and how could I let you do that?

:)

mungkin memang memahami perasaan orang lain akan terus aku lakukan :)

Your faith walks on broken glass

And the hangover doesn't pass

Nothing's ever built to last

You're in ruins

rasanya hubungan ini terlalu banyak hal yang buat aku sakit dan sedih.

orang yang seharusnya ngasih vibe positif, dalam sebentar berubah jadi sosok yang gak lagi seperti itu.

kalo emang mengerti aku susah, rasanya lebih baik ga usah dilanjutkan.

menyadari kenapa aku marah, ngambek,

untuk hal hal yg sbenernya berulang pun engga bsa,

dan aku harus mengerti?

terus yg mengerti aku siapa?

kalo "mengerti akan ngambekku yang gajelas" itu gabisa dilakukan, jadi kenapa aku harus mengerti kalo sebenarnya alasan sebenarnya aku ngambek itu ya ketidakpekaanmu?

kadang aku mikir..

I know I shouldn't have all the things I wish I could have.

I deserve things I really need, not things I wish could own.

but I don't know,

whether this thing is as a test or this thing leads me to the answer we aren't meant to be together.

I don't know should I try once again or should I end this thing up.

I don't know whether he will try to understand me someday or he won't ever do.

acceptance?

I always learn to do it.

but I don't know if he did the same thing as me or not.

rasanya duniaku bergerak menuju hancur :)

lagi lagi dihancurkan oleh seseorang.

kalo emang kami gabisa sama,

I wish we could end this thing soon.

I still can handle the pain if this thing won't be any longer.

dan rasanya benar benar ga percaya sama siapapun itu diluar sana untuk bisa menjaga perasaan aku,

bisa ngerti gimana aku,

bisa menjalin hubungan sama aku.

kalo emang bukan dia, aku benar benar memilih sendiri entah sampai kapan.

I don't care about marriage if there's no one could understand me.

I don't care.

I am freaking tired here,

for always being hurt.

ALWAYS.