first posting in 2018!

it's January 14th.
the second week in 2018.
it's been 14 days passed by, so how's life?
yaaaa begini begini sazaaaaaa hahaha.
feel a bit different sih, because of?
udh ada pacar😂😂

being single for around 1.5 years and feel something unusual.
yang biasanya ngapainpun ga perlu ngabarin, sekarang kebiasaan itu muncul.
yang biasanya gada yang ditunggu, ini jd ada yg ditunggu.
yang biasanya gada yang ditelfon dan nelfon, ini udah ada.
yang biasanya gaperlu mikirin perasaan orang lain kalo bilang a b c, ni jadi lebih hati hati.
yang biasanya bebas aja mau chat sama siapapun, sekarang udh pilih pilih😂😂
dan kebiasaan yang jelas udah ilang,
yang biasanya update story galau,
sekarang udah engga lagi😂😂
dunia kan jadi kehilangan miss galau WKWKWKWK.

sebenernya yang paling terasa itu adalah,
ketika aku yang dulunya gaperlu repot repot mikirin perasaan orang lain kalo aku bilang a b c, ini jadi kepikiran.
karena atas hal itulah muncul benih benih perselisihan.
belum lagi, jadi mau gamau harus lebih peka dan lebih mengerti perasaan orang lain.
mengerti perasaan diri sendiri aja belom bener, ni ditambah peer utk ngertiin perasaan orang lain😫
kalo dulunya ada blooming feeling,
ini engga.
apaan mau dibloomingin, pacaran dua minggu rasa dua taun.
kaya udh nyantai aja gitu mau ngapainpun, bilang apapun 😌

apa perbedaan pacaran kali ini dengan yg sebelumnya?
100% perbedaannya hahahahaha.
mungkin jg krn hub kali ini udh ga ada main main lagi, ditambah kitapun LDR.
jadi yaaaa pacarannya sama hp masing masing aja wkwkwk.
ga ada yg namanya makan siang makan malam bareng, nonton bioskop kalo ada film baru keluar, dijemput pergi pulang kerja, muncul depan kosan secara tiba tiba.
yg ada ya notif wa dari doi atau telfon dari doi 😂

do I feel thankful?
yes, I do. am so much thankful.
I found someone who can bear it together.
mungkin dia emang lebih berharap kita bisa deketan,
but so far I think, I feel so ease in doing this.
mungkin karena ada rasa rasa dalam diri tuh yang masih ngerasa lebih nyaman sendirian dalam melakukan apapun.
dan juga somehow the anxiety feelings still attack me, that's why I prefer having a distance with my bf.
honestly,
rasanya janggal bisa menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang lagi after one and half year.
feel a bit frightened I can't get it through cause sometimes I still have my selfish side in me.
I'm terrified he won't feel ease at me, or any other bad feeling.
moreover, I'm not sure this relationship will work out.
yaa as you guys know,
my big family won't allow me for having relationship with men in different culture.
dan honestly, that thing makes me can't point out every inch of me.
I feel I can't lean on him to the utmost, cause I'm terrified if I did it, someday he left, my life shattered in pieces.

whether I'm ready or not with the final statement from my parents,
I still can't enjoy this relationship.
that thing still obstruct me for being the really me.
I'm not sure for loving him that much, cause I'm terrified this thing will end soon.
being alone for that long taught me so many things,
which one of them is,
if I love someone, I love them wholeheartedly,
I love them with no limitation,
I love them with no doubt,
I love them more than I love myself.
I am freaking scared, that thing will drag me to be perish again.
this relationship already feel so hard from the very start.
mulai dari penolakan dari keluarga, temen-temen yang menjadikan itu lelucon which so not funny at all, sekitar yang terus mengatakan LDR is a bullshit, and so on.
belum lagi beberapa hal yang kita satu sama lain masi perlu banyak belajar.
fyi, aku keras dan dia keras.
and, he's so cuek af rasanya pengen aku lempar galon aqua in several cases.
aku pengen apa, dia belum bsa ngerti (and ya he admitted that he still can't figure out myself; I know man, it would be hard for you wkwk).
anddd....... the thing is...
I have to accept them.
I have to accept the thing that intriguing me (ya he also).
hal hal yang sebenernya klo dulu tuh bisa jadi masalah besar, tapi aku gamau membuatnya semakin parah.
hal hal yang aku figure out lately tuh sebenernya aku gak suka dan bisa gak tahan😂
but so far, we can solve it.
cuma kecuekannya yang kadang gatepat penempatannya itu buat emosi wkwkwk.
respecting this commitment, hal ini bukanlah hal besar untuk diperdebatkan.
cause we both still have a big thing to be solved.
restu dari keluarga.
mau dibilang LDR itu susah because of blablabla, temen suka jadiin itu candaan yang sebenernya bikin sakit hati, we can put them aside because it's not a big matter so far.
mau bahagiapun kadang jadi ga point out karena hal yang mengganjal ini😫

mau show off kemana mana kalo I have a boyfriend which suit my vision in future pun rasanya susah karena takut kalo aja ini ga berhasil, nyesek aja gitu.
you know what?
he's what I am asking for in my prayer before we met.
a man who can have a long distance relationship, a loyal one, respect commitment to the fullest, respect me as a woman, receive things I dislike or avoid, and work hard to make a relationship succeed no matter how hard the journey be.
it was just....
we have something as big wall.
itu saja.
if only we can break it, I don't know how many times should I thank God for sending him as a companion.
I am so thankful for having him today,
but I still have things that keep distracting.
if this thing work out,
I am so proud of us for still holding hands to face and bear those difficulties together.
I wish someday I shall say:
"Thank God, I am a lucky girl. You give me a figure which hundred percent similar as in my prayer. Literally same as what I asked in my prayer"
:)

omg I feel so random tonight....