deserve to be alone

hello, been two months since the last post.

and so here I am writing again, as an escape place.

writing always be this good, always.

while no one understands, at least I could freely writing.

life was so hard lately.

too tough, too hard.

till I don't know until when I could survive.

till I don't know where should I go to escape.

till I don't know whom I should talk to for expressing my depression.

the last three months, I could tag it as one of my hardest months this year.

why i said so?

cause I'll face the rest three months struggling with the same things.

and even, something new which made my life becomes harder :) 

seeing my parents are both sick and struggling for their health really has torn my heart.

while all I can do is only having a phone call and come to visit them in the weekend.

seeing them retained all the pain whilst keep believing for God's work.

knowing that I can sleep well every night, but not with my dad.

while sleeping tight is a precious since he has to resist the pain and doing nothing except watching tv or youtube.

it breaks my heart, so much.

seeing him waiting for a certainty about his sickness, while at the other side another temptations keep coming.

seeing him having three operations really breaks me.

I still remember the last time I had to be hospitalized because of typhus,

it's really hard for me to restrain the sickness every time I got injected.

but seeing my dad had to pass almost three months living for uncertainty, really puts me into pieces.

and the other side, mom isn't good too.

she was the one who got sick before, followed by my dad.

as already known, she won't make everyone surround her pleasant.

even myself can't restrain it, how about my dad who's always be beside her?

knowing he's already lack of support, but always feels unwanted and uncomfortable, hard for me to see it.

another case, 

knowing my brother always made problems in this family while I'm away from home,

really screw me also.

I'm tired for facing this kinda people.

who doesn't care for what's going on at home, instead spending time out there with his friends.

I'm too resent at him, till I wish I don't need to see him anymore.

I don't know what I supposed to do to cheer up my parents for what they're going through right now,

while I'm also the one who needs to be cheered up.

I know tears won't change anything, but I can't hold it anymore.

I am just too sad, too depressed.

I feel like I'm living alone in this world.

like no one will never understand me.

I'm tired.

but my parents are more exhausted 10000times than me.

I don't know what's God plan.

what God wants to tell me, to tell us.

what God wants to show us.

I know it's selfish for forcing God to answer me now,

but I'm just too tired.

I don't know until when I need to wait for His miracle.

I don't even know whether the miracle does happen someday or not.

I'm too tired for wondering, while on the other side I'm still hoping.

for the things which I suffered these days,

I feel like I have to carry it alone.

I feel this burden already too heavy for me to carry on.

I feel like there's no one out there knows how I feel.

no one cares.

not even him.

"maaf kl aku begini, tp bsa paham kan kenapa aku begini?"

okay. I am the one who needs to understand again?

for this time?

then, who's with me?

I know how you feel, and I feel sorry about it.

but do you know how I feel?

do I need to understand your feeling again for this time?

in my lowest life?

"bisa kok ditentuin skrg, kita jalan masing2 skrg"

rasanya kayak bohong semuanya yang dijalani.

kayak gak ada apapun yang kemarin kemarin.

kl emang udh gak bsa ya gak bsa, jgn sesukanya blg mau selesaikan saat itu jg setiap kali ada masalah dlm hub ini, setiap aku utarakan apa yg membuat aku gak nyaman.

I always scared for saying it because it'll drive into this circumstances.

and I feel so disappointed for it.

too hurt.

I don't know what I supposed to do right now.

I just need someone who can support me to get through this hard time.

but eventually, here I am standing alone.

rasanya aku pengen pergi sejauh mungkin dan gak pengen ketemu siapapun lagi.

karena, manusia selalu mengecewakan.

gak pernah rasanya aku diperjuangkan.

I knew it before.

like everything we had been was like nothing.

just go with the flow, without you want to keep me either.

kalau aku pergi yaudah, kalo aku ga pergi ya kita jalanin aja.

just being realistic, that you'll easily replace me with someone else,

because there are still so many women out there.

is it what's in your mind?

mungkin emang iya aku yang berharap lebih you'll fight for me, 

and end up with you again and again just let me go.

maybe you'll say that I'm the one who declared to let you go.

but what you mentioned and did to me these past 9 months.

made me realize that you don't fight for me.

your desire for having me as your last one isn't as big as mine.

not even the tip of the nail.

semua yang dilalui itu ya cuma karena kita sama sama so we have to make it till the finish line.

setiap aku ngerasa ragu, you never assured me that I chose the right man.

you pointed me as the one who keep complaining and put your words as an option for me to keep you or just let you go.

while I always dream about our future, about how to defend you from my family and have you as my husband someday,

you never did it.

knowing you keeping a resentful feeling towards my family,

how can I still have to keep you?

I won't keep you anymore.

I won't hold you back.

if you really love me, you must know what you supposed to do.

if you really love me, you won't leave me, even less in this condition.

I know you felt tired lately and unwell.

but I had mentioned you for so many times how much I need you and want you to support me.

I didn't ask for midnight call, I only ask for a little attention whether I'm good or not.

just a little attention, asking how was my day or whatsoever.

but again,

your office life seems funnier.

your condition is far above everything than mine.

when I finally caught up that you didn't know what's happening to me and prefer to consider yourself first,

well okay I am alone, by myself.

every time I said what I feel about you, and end up with a blurred statement about separation.

how you couldn't understand me and pointed me demanding something you can't afford.

yet still, you compared me to what you did to me for having no demand.

I don't know, I'm way too tired for thinking about this.

I can't count anymore how many times you kept saying those things.

how many times you made me think how you felt unsure about keeping me.

how many times you really want to leave me because of the same reason.

I always felt unsure about saying things I want you to realize,

because at the end you'll say hurtful words.

while you're the only one I lean on, but you put me like this.

you're the only one I wish will always be there to cheer me up.

but you ask me understand you again, while I need you as my supporter.

I don't know what I'm doing right now.

at least I finally reveal that you're not the one.

you can't be there when I need you the most even I already asked you to.

maybe this is the answer of my prayers are you really the one or not.

I think you deserve another person who won't ever scratch a mark in your heart.

someone who'll never hurt you, since hurting you once will change you.

I think I'm never be good enough for you to be fought for.

I deserve to be alone, stand alone and face everything alone.

well so many thank you for the last 9 months.

you taught me so many things I can't describe.

one thing you need to know.

belajarlah untuk mengampuni.

mengampuni yg seutuhnya.

your life will always full of anger if you can't apply it in your life.

you won't have a peaceful life because it'll always stay as an obstacle in your life.

I love you Mu.

but hurt to know I love someone who doesn't love me as big as I do.

I love someone who never forgive me.

I love someone who always want to leave me.

I love someone who never sure about himself whether the love is existing or not.

well, good bye Mu 🙂

I wish I could sleep and mute all the noises out there.